Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.