Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
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*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business