Autocannibalism is self-serving.
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The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.