Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now