I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
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I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
#Caturday
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.