♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
#DesignFail
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.