*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
You Might Also Like
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.