me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
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Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow