By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay