When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
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[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Generation gap…
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
This will teach them to underestimate me
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook