Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
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My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.