Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run