If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
need him
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher