Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
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ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Quadruple digit IQ
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line