So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
You Might Also Like
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera