*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
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jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
The devil.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.