[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
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“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs