If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
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My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.