Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
You Might Also Like
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question