Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
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Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)