The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this