[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
You Might Also Like
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?