The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
You Might Also Like
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.