My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
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“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
so weird how every mom was born today
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.