Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
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Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
But wait…
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Cannot stop laughing at this
just gave your address to some spiders
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.