Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
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[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.