Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
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Yes, this is exactly right
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.