“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
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every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
The Assassin.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.