A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.