[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
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You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”