[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
You Might Also Like
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
two people or more is called a problem
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
The Struggle
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.