I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
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I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”