M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
You Might Also Like
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: