Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
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Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.