day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
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By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
who wore it better?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.