A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
You Might Also Like
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?