My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop