Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
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How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
an octopus is just a wet spider
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?