Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*