If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
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I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching