Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
You Might Also Like
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.