My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
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I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
🤯🤯🤯
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
The photographer’s assistant