We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM