me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
new career option?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.