Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.