Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
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I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?