*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
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be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Support your local cemetery
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.