I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
You Might Also Like
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…