[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
How to properly lift a body