[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
You Might Also Like
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*